Hey kids,

The night I’ve waited for is finally here, the premiere of The Chopping Block! I’ve watched the previews (on nbc.com) and so far I’m both excited and terrified! It’s a strange feeling…the only thing I can compare it to is the feeling you get the night before surgery. Nervous, anxious, slightly bloated from too much jello…actually, its kind of full circle in a way. It was almost exactly a year ago that Chad and I went down to the open casting, I felt much the same way I do today. I remember spending the better part of an hour picking out the perfect outfit as if it were a modeling competition for chubby gay chefs. I was so nervous and excited…second guessing the way I’d filled out the application. Now, one year later I am back in my closet trying to figure out what to wear that perfectly expresses the situation. 

My various and fickle emotions are almost confusing me at this point, and its a bizarre sensation watching yourself on TV. After the first few days you get used to the cameras, and once Marco told us the restaurant was open for business, I wasn’t on a TV show anymore. I hate to perpetuate a reality show cliché, but it wasn’t just a show, it was my life. Opening a restaurant has been my life’s goal, my dream, my overwhelming desire. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied until I do, so for me this really was like a dream come true. So you forget it’s an alternate reality, I just went to business as if it was my job. If you want to understand what it’s like, imagine the most stressful situation you can possibly conjure, then put yourself in an unfamiliar city, with 7 other total strangers who you want to trust, but between the lines you know everyone, including me, is really a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Emotions are heightened, you’re put into a very vulnerable place, then all of a sudden its part of Prime Time entertainment. I kind of feel like I did in high school, terrified about what everyone will think. As an adult I’ve become a person who usually doesn’t care about what people think of me on a personal level, but in my career I care greatly. And despite the fact that I know I didn’t do anything to make an ass of myself, I can’t deny that they can edit me any way they see fit. I don’t really think I have the ability to perfectly put into words exactly how it feels…maybe the Germans have a word for it…I’m not sure. 

Part of the casting process is  meeting with a psychologist to make sure you can handle the stress of the situation, and now whenever I am faced with a difficult or especially stressful situation, I tell myself “If I could handle the show, I can handle this.” Because simply put, it was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, mentally, physically, emotionally…the HARDEST thing I’ve EVER done! (It was so much work and stress that I actually forgot to eat or drink anything for like 10 hours one day, I had just worked for so long that I forgot how to interpret basic survival instincts!) But now I begin to wonder how much stress the human psyche can endure before the mind explodes. My personal life has been all over the charts lately, and despite how excited I am for the show, I’m also worried beyond measure about my family. A few weeks before going to the casting call, I found out my aunt was diagnosed with colon cancer. At the time everyone was saying she would be fine and they could treat it, so it wasn’t on my mind much. Now, a year later, she continues to fight, but at this point the chemo is doing more harm than good. I’m eternally grateful that she’s still here to watch the show, and I know she’s proud of me. But now you can begin to understand why my head is all over the place. I’m excited about the show coming out, but nervous and terrified about how the world will see me, and at the same time I feel guilty for being happy about something so selfish when my aunt is going through something so difficult. Insert inner mantra here; “If I can handle the show…”

It really is just the tip of the iceberg as they say…sorry to unload to much, but I warned you that this would be me totally unfiltered!!! During the show, we had to do nightly video confessionals, it was the only time I was in front of a camera totally by myself and able to say whatever I wanted. Believe it or not, it was really therapeutic, and I kind of miss it. But writing this blog is sort of the same experience…so you can come to expect the same honestly. 

Have fun watching tonight, I’ll be doing the same!

Cheers,

Mikey

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 at 10:47 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.